Trilly, my youngest, starts school in September and I keep being reminded that I’ll ‘be free’ again. I feel like I should be excited at this prospect. People keep saying I won’t know myself and how great it will be. Yet I’m feeling dread and anxiety.
I’ve gone backwards and forwards on a third baby for years. Hubby has always been a firm no and so this has made the decision easy for me. However, he has recently done a turn around and agreed to one. Now, I’m not sure.
I’m not sure if I’m doing it to fill a void I feel coming or because I really want that third. I’m not sure if I’m prepared to go back to sleepless nights and nappies. I love our current family dynamic and I know it’ll all change and I worry I won’t be happy. I worry and feel I’m being selfish by not rejoicing at the chance to welcome a third child.
I held my new Niece recently and my ovaries didn’t ache and my uterus didn’t explode. My heart didn’t long for a baby but I cry when I see my nephews. So I’m going to admit right now. I want a son. I love my two daughters, I’d never replace them, I’d never change them but I long for a son.
It makes you feel like a first class w**ker when people are struggling to just have a child and you are torn up inside at the risk of another with the same genitalia. I realise you can’t choose. You get what you’re given. People are always reminding me of this and I’m not naïve enough to not understand it but I want a son and I’m unsure I’m willing to change our family dynamic for a third daughter.
Before you judge me. Before you make assumptions about me as a mother. Of course I’d love a third child no matter what and I know once I held them the love would be instant. I am not going to lie however and say I wouldn’t be disappointed. In fact I’d almost be temporarily heartbroken. I know this and I am aware of this so I must be honest about it. I would accept a third daughter and feel blessed for any child at all but I will also deal with a feeling of loss. Loss for a son that will never be mine.
I write this because I’m sure I’m not alone. I’m sure mothers before me have felt this way. I’m sure they have felt horrid about it and even hated the fact they thought and felt these things. Motherhood is life changing. It is a life long commitment. We are allowed to have hard thoughts and reservations about it. It is nice to know we are not alone.