We spend most winter Sundays wrapped in blankets on the couch. Fire roaring, popcorn popped and watching movies as a family. It’s lazy and perfect but Hollywood has a lot to answer for with some of its unrealistic portrayals of real life so just to keep me grounded I thought I’d point out some obvious misconceptions.
14 Reasons I know my life is not a Movie
1. My hair is not glossy, perfectly styled or flowing in the wind – Nope, just nope. I have two hairstyles. Hobo, which requires a beanie or hat of some description to hide the knots. And top knot, used on days I can’t find a beanie or hat.
2. Hubby and I do not go to bed at the same time, make sweet love and then sleep peacefully until morning wrapped spooning in each other’s arms – HELL NO! I go to bed earlier than hubby most nights in an attempt to fall asleep first to get at least a small amount of decent sleep before he comes to bed and wakes me with his snoring. Once woken by his snoring I then spend most the night awake thinking of how I can get away with smothering him with my pillow but not quite killing him.
3. I do not go to bed swathed in a silk negligee. I have an old pair of trackies that hubby often tries to hide and a maternity top I’ve held on to since baby number one that I consider slumbering in style.
4. Egyptian cotton sheets?! What the hell are those?! We have the poly cotton special from The Warehouse. Maybe I should splash out?
5. Sundresses and heels while we frolic among the spring blooms and sip tea perhaps? No not me. I’ve got jeans, jandals and a takeaway coffee.
6. Not once have any freaken birds or small animals helped me with my house work!
7. I’m still waiting for my Fairy Godmother too. Lord knows I could have used her more than once already but has the bitch showed up?! NO!
8. I had my second child 5 years ago but I still cannot slink back into that pre-baby little black dress. For me to get in the little black dress it takes two pairs of spanx and a husband willing to try removing me from my beige sausage casing at the end of the night. I’ll be honest I’ve slept in it more than once when he hasn’t been up to the job.
9. I don’t even have a reason for a little black dress because what the hell are date nights?! It takes me almost a full month of begging to find someone willing to watch our children so we can have a couple of hours free after 5pm.
10. Don’t even get me started on ‘movie mums’ perky boobs. I take my bra off and my tits droop so low they start chatting to my belly button. And the only way I can wear skinny jeans is with an oversized tee so I can hide the fact I’m still tucking my guts into them.
11. I have left plenty of shoes behind on a big night but not once has Prince Charming come knocking at my door. In fact I had to find my own damn Prince and just ended up with a mismatched shoes collection.
12. Despite my best efforts my children are not child protégées, I love them dearly and they are of course perfect to me but mathematical geniuses or budding CIA agents they are not.
13. When we go camping we do not toast marshmallows and sing kombayah around the fire place. We bitch our tits off about who has to hand wash the grubby dishes, moan about sand in our sleeping bags and for some reason still put ourselves through it the next year.
14. Christmas is not idyllic. There’s no eggnog and Christmas carols. There are arguments over who brings what, the price limits for the presents, who buys for who and there’s always that one person that peaks too early on the booze.
In hindsight, despite its lack of Hollywood perfection, I think our lives are probably better than most movies anyway.