Category Archives: Love Letters

A Letter To My Daughter Turning Five

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Trilly Bug : My Crazy Bug : My Baby Bug.

I remember Miss’s first day at school. I fought back tears as she entered school full of excitement. I went to the car when the 9am bell rang and cried like a baby. I watched the clock, counting down the hours until pick up time and then sat out the front of school from 2.40pm just waiting.

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Teeny tiny beginnings.

Trilly starts school next Friday and the feelings are back. Just this morning I fought back tears as I organised to bring her a birthday cake on her last day at kindy, her actual 5th birthday. However, this time I won’t let Trilly see me sad, I won’t let her realise how hard it is for me because she is excited and she deserves me to be excited for her.

It’s not about her leaving me and not having her by my side every afternoon. It’s bigger than that. It’s the realisation that she is moving on to that next step. That step that involves me having to start letting go. She is no long my baby, we are passed that now. She is becoming my independent young child. So a letter for her memory box is a birthday must.

The fight for freedom and independence started young with this one.
The fight for freedom and independence started young with this one.

Dear Trilly,

Next week you are FIVE! That is a big milestone in my mummy book. It is the start of a whole new chapter in both our lives. Me, the mother of two big school girls and you, the new big schoolgirl. A new exciting step for all of us.

I am so proud of you. Your eagerness to learn and your fierce strive for independence. Your cheeky personality and sense of humour already apparent. You are so tough, yet so gentle and kind. I have heard you stand up to other children your age as they are overly assertive with you and you do it with kindness that I don’t think I could have ever taught you. It is natural to you to assert yourself but to do it kindly.

You were once so shy, painfully shy. Uncle Hayden once babysat you for the night and you cried for so long when we left that you fell asleep on the kitchen floor. He left you for fear you’d wake up and cry again. You have grown so much and now I see you rush at kindy to sign up for saying the prayer.

Nope, she never needs help. Not even when putting on her googles.
Nope, she never needs help. Not even when putting on her googles.

Ever since you discovered you could hold a cup yourself your quest for independence has been strong. You toilet trained at 15months because you refused to let me put a nappy on you and you couldn’t figure out how to do it yourself, so knickers and the toilet were your only option. You are always wanting to help me with everything and when I say no you reply ’but how will I learn?’

You are fearless. Sometimes this worries me as you sprint towards the ocean or go full accelerator on your motorbike. You are going to learn some tough lessons about the importance of caution but these are your lessons to learn and until I am ready for you to learn them I will continue to do my best to protect you. I can’t help it, it’s my job.

I want you to remember to treat everyone as you would like to be treated. This is my biggest wish. The world needs more kindness and I know you can be it. As you go through school you will encounter some mean people, it’s inevitable but kill them with kindness. They are the ones that need it most.

She crawled at 8months but didn't walk until 14months, and then she just ran.
She crawled at 8months but didn’t walk until 14months, and then she just ran.

I cannot wait to cheer you on at school cross country, athletics days and swimming sports. I cannot wait to see both my girls on stage for the school productions and to sit proudly at prize-giving’s for you both. I can’t believe how quick our early years have flown past but I am excited for the next part of our lives.

Love always and forever,

Mum x

A contagious smile
A contagious smile

Ps. In about a month’s time you are going to tell me you hate school that you don’t want to go and it’s dumb. So before we get there let’s make something clear, this is you for ATLEAST the next 10 years, I will most likely enforce that you stay at school for the next 12years. So get used to it. Suck it up Princess. You and your sister can commiserate together now. School is your future and you need it.

A Letter to My 8yr Old Daughter On Her Birthday

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To my Darling Miss,

Tomorrow you turn 8 years old and I truly can’t believe how fast those 8 years have gone. I think back to our first days together and remember that you slept a lot and I watched a lot. I would stare at you for hours trying to figure out what I was supposed to do and how we were going to have to learn together. You had this soft fuzz of dark hair, wrinkled tiny hands and the smallest feet I had ever seen. I held your tiny body terrified I’d break you. From the moment you came into this world and looked into your father’s eyes you became the apple of them. Our hearts never knew a love like this could exist until you showed us.

Back then I could never have imagined the young girl my tiny baby would grow into. You have surprised me at every step and we continue to learn and grow together. You are so like me and yet so much unlike me at the same time. Our differences continue to teach me and help me grow as your Mother. I know some times we disagree and you get upset with me, I hate to disappoint you but I am still learning too.

You wear your heart on your sleeve and it is one of the biggest and kindest hearts I have ever known. You see the best in everything and believe the good in all. The world is going to knock you around, the day you realise there is unkindness and cruelty within it will break my heart. I want to keep you in that bubble of yours forever but when the inevitable happens, I will be there. I will pick you up and I will help heal your heart.

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There will also be times when I will not be enough. When no matter how much I want to fix things, I won’t be able to. You will be ok. You will survive. You are stronger than you think. Though your heart is tender you have an iron will and a soul of determination. I remember when you started school at only 5 years old and you were cruelly bullied. I remember the days you cried and I wiped away your tears but I also remember the day you told me that it was ok because the bully just needed a friend. If you could kill with kindness then my darling girl you did.

Your magical imagination keeps the magic within me alive. When I ask you what you are going to be when you grow up, you firmly answer ‘A mermaid’. I love this about you and I especially love that you share this magic with your younger sister. I don’t think she could have requested a better big sister. You nurture her, you play tricks on her, you laugh with her and you tease her. She hurt her knee on the driveway last week and you picked her up and carried her all the way back to the house. I pray that the two of you are always this close. She is your only sister and you hers. Look after one another.

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Your joy is infectious and your kind heart hard to ignore. You have friends aplenty and if you see someone being left out it is you who includes them. You are popular and you don’t realise it which makes you all the more endearing. When I pick you up from school you are always giggling with someone and this makes my heart smile. I’m pretty sure the most appealing part of school for you at the moment is the chance to see your friends. You tell me endless stories about the two Charlees and how much you adore them. If I was 8 again I know I’d be longing to be your friend.

To me you are perfect. Even on the days we are mad at each other, and I know there will be plenty more of these over the coming years but I never want you to forget that. To me you are perfect. I promise to grow with you as I always have. You are my first born, the lessons we are learning we are learning together. You are my teacher as much as I am yours. I promise you that no matter what the years throw at us I will always love you. My love for you will never falter. My love for you is everlasting.

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Happy Birthday my Darling Miss.

Love Mum x

A Letter To My Fellow PND Mamas

My early motherhood days passed in a blur of grey. A rollercoaster of good days and darkness.

I inevitably suffered from PND after the birth of both my daughters. I should have been prepared for it. I should have at least been aware of the signs that I was heading to a place of darkness but I didn’t and I wasn’t. It sideswiped me.

The feeling of complete and utter failure. The self hate for the negative thoughts. The confusion that you haven’t magically bonded with your child and become a some what Madonna figure of perfect Motherhood. The dread that overwhelms you when your child begins to cry and on the worst days the way even a murmur sets you on edge. The weight of the world on your shoulders as you feel you have let everyone down, especially your new born child.

I know someone very close to me who is currently suffering. I am aware of the signs now and I want to be able to help. I want to grab her and hug her and let her know there is a light at the end of that dark tunnel she is living in. It’s a glorious light that seems so hard to get to right now but it is there all the same. Unfortunately I cant get the words out, I feel the heaviness of her heart and it gets the better of me. I’m as much a teary mess as she is, so I do it the only way I know I can and I write her a letter.

To my amazing friend,

I know you are in a bad place right now. I know you are suffering. I know sometimes things suddenly get so tough and you don’t understand why. I know that this is said to be one of the most beautiful times in your life and you feel like something is all wrong about that idea.  I also know you are strong and you are beautiful and you have the ability to have the good days. You have the strength to conquer the dark days and it doesn’t just come from the right medication, it comes from the self acceptance and belief the you are worth it.

I love you, as so many of us do. You are allowed to love yourself. It will be hard but I will be here and I will help you learn to love yourself. You are a kind, beautiful and caring soul, worthy of the love we all have for you. You have done and will do amazing things. And I will be there to support you through it. There is no better mother for your children than you. You are a good mother, you can be an amazing mother. Don’t doubt your own abilities.

I know you will read this and cry and wonder where to start. I know that you have told me that you hate the person you are. I know that you want to help yourself but you don’t know where to start. I really believe it starts with learning to accept yourself and to accept that you are valuable and truly important. You have an illness, but it is an illness you can recover from. You are not your illness.

You must forgive yourself. Let go of the hurts, the hurts to yourself and others.

 Your baby forgives you. Your family forgives you. They love you. They will always love you. You deserve to be loved.

I love you x

Dear 16yr Old Me

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Having two daughters people always seem to say ‘you’re in for fun when they’re teenagers’. Yes, I’d say it will be fun and hair raising too. But it made me think… What would I say to my 16 year old self now. And what would I say to my girls one day. So I wrote it down.

Dear 16 year old me,

I know days seem really tough and full of drama and trouble right now but rest assured in years to come you will look back on these days as the most free spirited ones to date. Despite parental restrictions and school rules, you have freedom that knows no bounds. You are at the start and free to shape your life as you want to.

Study hard. It seems trivial but it is the foundation of your future. When dad nags you about exams it is because he loves you and wants you to do your best. Not because he’s a buzz kill.

You are beautiful. Your body is perfect because it’s yours. Eat more. Enjoy it. In 10 years time, post two children, you will look in the mirror and you will marvel at your body’s strength. It’s lines won’t matter. That roll you get when you sit down will be insignificant to the life your body bore.

Forget the boys. The ones breaking your heart. They aren’t worth it for they are but boys. There is a man waiting in the wings, he is a king and he will treat you like his queen. Don’t doubt him. You deserve him.

Give your mum a break. She isn’t trying to ruin your life. She loves you. She loves you so much that every time you yell at her and tell her you hate her it’s like your hand has gone through her chest and ripped her heart out. You will be a mother one day. I know you don’t plan to but you will take to motherhood like it’s your life purpose. You will understand the pain and heartbreak of wearing your heart outside your body in the form of your children. You will see your own mother in a new light. She will become one of your best friends and mentor.

Dear 16 year old me, be kind. Be kind to yourself. Be kind to others. Don’t be afraid of your own strength. Don’t let people intimidate you into being less than you are. Be happy. Be funny. Make people laugh. Be everything you can be.

With Love,

28 yr old Me